March Madness lmao :)

It's been an interesting 2011 so far. January was where it all started. We share the same birthday, so we talked a little bit. It wasn't until that January where we met up and decided we would pursue each other....if you wanna call it pursuing me...this love thing is so intricate and interesting. I let you in and wait-when this month ends, we'll be 1/4 done with the year! O_O! But anyway...we let each other in and the rest is history. Perhaps that was the first mistake. All I know now is that I.CAN'T.BE.MAD. Only at myself. For propagating this facade of happiness. I can't be mad because I am STILL single. I can't be mad because I have nothing to offer you. Just a physical shell of lustful intentions, which further means I wouldn't know love if it smacked me in the face. I can't even focus on love. I have 2 subsequent exams this week and work I need to catch up on. I have to decide whether I'm gonna keep Intro To Statistics or not. I actually have bills to pay with the little money I'm supposed to be saving. And now it's raining and I'm watching Forrest Gump contemplating my life lol. I feel like everyone's going faster than I am again...everyone's moving forward and I'm just NOT! I'm BEYOND stressed and no one will 1) listen or read this lol 2) be able to help me. I need to just deal with this on my own...where I've always been....where I end up......where I can find solace when no one's around....my emotional center....my untitled spectacle. 


When I think about love, I think about what I lack. And now, all I think about is the next time I can see you. Last night you saw me for a brief moment, and my behavior was that of a spoiled little bitch. I secretly threw up all of my emotions at you. But I couldn't be mad. I'm always emotional when I get around you FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKK. I can't..switch it off like a light switch. It'll always be there...you bring it out of me like no one else. Your ex was in the tub, drunk as FUCK. You came for him. Not for me. I.secretly.flipped.the.FUCK.out. I shouldn't have done that. I was drinking and I was deep into my feelings. I didn't even have time to mentally prepare for your arrival. And then you came, smooth chocolate through the door, whizzing past me to get to your ex. And there I was, standing by, helping you as best I could, getting your ex out of the tub. And then you left....


But of course, I can't think about it. I can't think about the way I felt, the way I might be feeling, if I'm too deep into myself to disregard everything, nope, just can't focus on anything like that. Nope. For you do not belong to me, I don't belong to you. We can never be official. How could we? I might want to be, I might say I feel more for you than I should, I might say something else just to keep you around, but it won't substitute for the GOD HONEST TRUTH! I am.......a mess........a bigger mess than I'd care to let anyone in on. But I am simply glimpsing at the surface. Still. And I cannot give this a second thought


You're like a firework....better yet a firefly, only captivating for the moment. And I am enraptured by it.