Confide

Every single time i think of what could be, it brings me to the Throne of Sorrow. There's pain every time I kneel there. So I do not think of what could be anymore. I live in the present. I focus on the NOW. So I forget the Throne of Sorrow, confiding in............the Throne of Grace.....

Continuing my Tumblr post lmao

Greener Pastures I


Dear Ron, 

You can NOT remain a skeptic on love. This will get you nowhere. Be brave and set your sights a little higher. Yeah. You know the one we’re discussing :-) 

Sincerely, Angel on the Right Shoulder

Greener Pastures II

Dear Ron,

FUCK LOVE. You know you want that bottle of spiced rum, straight. That Ciroc Coconut....that shot of Jack Daniels and shit...all in the same night too now see THAT'S what you want. Not some bitch only around for the sex. Be smart and let those bitches come to you. Yeah. That one will get her shit together soon too :-)

Sincerely, Devil on the Left Shoulder

In The End - Ending Before It Began

In the end, I'll remember the disappointment that I told myself I wouldn't carry in my heart
I'll remember the pain I felt when I told myself I couldn't love you like I wanted to
In the moments where I can't believe in human life anymore and everything falls fast to the floor
Your face passes by my consciousness and I acknowledge you as my past
I'll also remember that I was wrong all along and we never should have been
The thought lingers and burns with each passing second.


In the end I realize....


I made it easy for you to forget about me...

Simple Words I

Maybe it's my fault...I've propogated this for a while now....


So many changes are happening to me, it's taxing to even try and consider them all....


I'm going through it, that much is true....and I don't know where I'll end up..


As long as I have things to consider, I'll be good though..


....but I don't want to lose you..........

March Madness lmao :)

It's been an interesting 2011 so far. January was where it all started. We share the same birthday, so we talked a little bit. It wasn't until that January where we met up and decided we would pursue each other....if you wanna call it pursuing me...this love thing is so intricate and interesting. I let you in and wait-when this month ends, we'll be 1/4 done with the year! O_O! But anyway...we let each other in and the rest is history. Perhaps that was the first mistake. All I know now is that I.CAN'T.BE.MAD. Only at myself. For propagating this facade of happiness. I can't be mad because I am STILL single. I can't be mad because I have nothing to offer you. Just a physical shell of lustful intentions, which further means I wouldn't know love if it smacked me in the face. I can't even focus on love. I have 2 subsequent exams this week and work I need to catch up on. I have to decide whether I'm gonna keep Intro To Statistics or not. I actually have bills to pay with the little money I'm supposed to be saving. And now it's raining and I'm watching Forrest Gump contemplating my life lol. I feel like everyone's going faster than I am again...everyone's moving forward and I'm just NOT! I'm BEYOND stressed and no one will 1) listen or read this lol 2) be able to help me. I need to just deal with this on my own...where I've always been....where I end up......where I can find solace when no one's around....my emotional center....my untitled spectacle. 


When I think about love, I think about what I lack. And now, all I think about is the next time I can see you. Last night you saw me for a brief moment, and my behavior was that of a spoiled little bitch. I secretly threw up all of my emotions at you. But I couldn't be mad. I'm always emotional when I get around you FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKK. I can't..switch it off like a light switch. It'll always be there...you bring it out of me like no one else. Your ex was in the tub, drunk as FUCK. You came for him. Not for me. I.secretly.flipped.the.FUCK.out. I shouldn't have done that. I was drinking and I was deep into my feelings. I didn't even have time to mentally prepare for your arrival. And then you came, smooth chocolate through the door, whizzing past me to get to your ex. And there I was, standing by, helping you as best I could, getting your ex out of the tub. And then you left....


But of course, I can't think about it. I can't think about the way I felt, the way I might be feeling, if I'm too deep into myself to disregard everything, nope, just can't focus on anything like that. Nope. For you do not belong to me, I don't belong to you. We can never be official. How could we? I might want to be, I might say I feel more for you than I should, I might say something else just to keep you around, but it won't substitute for the GOD HONEST TRUTH! I am.......a mess........a bigger mess than I'd care to let anyone in on. But I am simply glimpsing at the surface. Still. And I cannot give this a second thought


You're like a firework....better yet a firefly, only captivating for the moment. And I am enraptured by it. 

What Do I Deserve?

-More thoughts :D :D lol


Life is the road untraveled
veiled in mystery yet beckoning every step forward
Life is progressive
yet thorny like the red rose out of concrete
forcing itself up from the ignorance of man
yes, life is the road untraveled
but it is also the road of experience
one grows tired of watching man grow, spew their grumbling hatred of their fellow man to others
then run and hide in cowardice against the burning sun of truth
one wonders........what do I deserve?
She looks at me like I've murdered her innocence
but she does not know me
all she sees is an empty shell only capable of violence
and she will tell her friends about me
I can only ask why but she says I already know why
leaving me wondering, "Is this what I deserve?"
They slap every stereotype across my face
predicting me, reading my cover but not flipping through my pages
they assume until their assumptions towers tip over
and no matter how many times I scream or try to calmly explain to THEM,
I am not what I seem 
they blatantly ignore me
Is this what I deserve?
Just what do I deserve?
All the answers? None of the answers? Partial credit on judgement? Do I deserve these scars of hatred across my arms, chest, legs, and mind? Do I deserve to speak against it? Against anything? 


And who am I not to? 

For Colored Girls.

What a very thought-provoking movie. But what I don't understand is why some people are saying that this movie is bashing black men. My first thought was that well, the movie simply isn't about black men at all. It's about the different colors in the original play that every woman has or should not have experienced, and where the women have gone from there. You can't speak for every man if you believe a good man exists, however few in number you want to believe is out there too. And what about Hill Harper's character? He didn't rape, kill, or leave a number of women disillusioned and forced to believe that this reality is their faults. So let's take the movie for what it is, not from the critics. Another part of me is saying that I wouldn't be surprised if someone walked away with an Academy Award either...Monique did it for portraying Mary Jones, and Halle before her....but I can't really fully believe that since Jennifer Hudson won for portraying Effie White. Take a closer look at what roles black actors and actresses are being awarded. Then ask yourself.....does Kimberly Elise get one? Loretta Devine? Anika Noni Rose? Thandie Newton? Ask yourself....what is the movie really about? Just some thoughts for you to ponder. 

-Ron

COLD WAR

Anticipation of Muse

I write in silence so I can hear my thoughts clear enough to record them into some kind of medium, be you Macbook or handcrafted from thought process to black or blue ink, whichever I grab first.


I need it in pen, might be lost on me in pencil....so I can scribble as far as my hand will go and my words will not be forgotten. Stabbing against injustice, I write in silence so I can echo my muse in hopes it will respond with good news and good views leading to nothing short of fortitude. 


Respond back quickly, muse. I need your guidance. I will not waver. You would tell me to remain hopeful. And so I await your return...as I write in silence so I can hear my thoughts....


-R.S.

SAW 3D

Enough said. =)

Purple Sky

This is for those young gentlemen who took their own lives due to bullying, being outed, etc.

This is to stand against indifference.

This is for peace and the eradication of ignorance.

And so, today, I'm wearing purple in their honor. I encourage you to do the same.

-Ronald S. 

Abstraction

I sit here thinking...what if I found the one person that made me happy? I'd be one happy motherfucker, wouldn't I? But unfortunately, there are no perfect people out there for me to search...everyone has an undercover fault or insecurity about them...I just feel like it's out there for me to discover, and I WILL find it...my lifelong journey is yearning to be fulfilled, my heart ready to be loved by someone deserving of it. And so I sit here thinking.... optimistically... I'm as still as the surface of water. I am patient. Not complacent. Eager, but not rash. I'm in pursuit...watch out. 

Oblivious

Some people are the epitome of obliviousness. And they can't be helped. I wonder about people like that...how can you live like that? Shaking my head won't fix a thing either. I just wish people would get the hint sometimes...damn......and then the same people want to ask questions later? Heh, good luck with that....


-Ronald S. 

I keep setting myself up for failure.

It's not easy being anyone other than yourself. And pretty soon it's gonna come out. So keep you legs crossed, you eyes focused on the blackboard, relax and ABSORB......

Repercussions

This song is stuck in my head! It's Repercussions by Lauryn Hill. Good shit. Nice to see Lauryn Hill still doing her thing, ya know? She's a talented well, everything! From producing to songwriting and performing, she's amazing-truly one of the best vocalists to grace a stage. But she acknowledges that fame wasn't what she wanted it to be....hopefully she has changed her way of thinking though. We can only hope for more music like this, I guess =) 

Few Late Night Thoughts....about the L word

Love. 
What does it mean? 
You think you know the definition......until it manifests into something completely different.
You swear your own two will be sufficient enough....until you stumble.
It's just one of those things you can't be coy about. 
Yet it's blatantly obvious as displayed by the media.
People throw it all around on the basis of following your heart.
People claim to know what it is......but they are clueless.
As am I.

I once thought I could fathom the opportunities of love and all it had to offer.....
but it turned out.....I was wobbly like a child's first steps
Embarrassingly enough, I fell on my face.
Worse than that, I left some feelings suspended in the air.....putting them on hold, hoping they would go away....but they didn't....and they won't. 
Contemplating and wading through them won't make them go away..... 
but there's something missing. 
The change. Me.
I'm no longer considering the same options anymore. 
Someone once told me life is to be enjoyed.........and I've embraced it.
I've gotten more options out of it. I've become better for it.
Now.....back to love.............

Now I have all the answers, right?
WRONG.
I wake up, I realize I'm here by the grace of God, I go about my day, and then it hits me.......this lingering problem....my personal dark cloud. It still exists, possibly manifesting into something I can't.....handle? 

Weakness............taboo. You don't EVER mention it.........

Now, the climax. I must face this thing called love head on. Feelings will be hurt, but the complacency still remains. Love, you've given me a big challenge. I need to push myself further....further into uncertainty....further into faith...further into the truth. 


So here's to loving with no limits. Love until it hurts. And hope to God you can handle it better than I can. 


Sincerely, R.S.

Not so bad.....

Ahhh Prose Moment!: Sometimes I feel I'm losing myself in my work and anticipating the oncoming stress of my life sooner than humanly possible. Is it because of my responsibility to the world? Is it because I can't go unchecked...or overlooked? It's better if I don't live and better if I can't love.....I'll wipe my tears away, I'll be ok, I'll stand strong and move on. Misery don't live here no more! But neither does my sanity. So now what? The world is closing in on me, and no one can help me. No one. Solitary confinement. 


(I like this. lol Facebook moment. Let's see how far I can "take this".....ehehe....


-Ronald S. 

Team Capricorn

So I've been reading some stuff about my sign (December 30 = Capricorn) and I noticed that I'm pretty much a Capricorn to the T. I just wanted to point out some things about it that apply to me :) 


1. The Capricorn man is motivated by his desire for success, money, status, and love (although love is usually last and least important on his list.) <--About love tho.........hmmm.....


2. The Capricorn man pursues his goals with a steady, unwavering determination. <--I try :) 


3. The Capricorn man is cautious in all he does. He won't start projects and adventures (when he has them) without thorough investigation and contemplation. He needs to have the security of knowing (or at least thinking) that his decisions will work out with the least risk to him. <--I mean, I don't obsess over it, I just make sure I'm content with the situation first.... :)


4. Security is the lifetime search for the Capricorn man; and he wants to find it in all aspects of his life. :) 


5. Capricorn is a loner sign and emotional relationships are a challenge for this man. He doesn't find it easy to place trust in another human being or share his feelings. Although Capricorn men appear cold on the outside, he really is a sensitive, loving person; he's just masked his feelings and emotions well for his own need for security. <---I did find it hard to trust people for a large portion of my life, but now it's a little bit easier to know who to trust and who not to trust. I'm surprised when I actually realize I have the capability to trust :) &&& I am one that will mask my intentions until...well....see #3 lol


Just wanna squeeze one more in there: If you want to impress a Capricorn man take it slowly and be ready for slow reactions from him; he'll have to contemplate everything before he makes his move. Once he's comfortable you'll discover a warm, sensitive, and compassionate man – it will be well worth the wait. CHEA. lol :) 

Yea buddy! #TeamCapricorn to the FULLEST! 


Hope this inspires you to get in touch with your sign :) lol

Loved and Lost

Ok! Here's some stuff I gotta get off my chest. Here we.....go.


Love is, and forever will be, a powerful word only chosen for those who choose it. For me, it's been an interesting journey as I'm now battling between two personas........the perplexing mentality of a similar contradiction, and the dis-interesting rumor-bitten traveler-both deemed clandestine. Mind you, I used to have a thing for both, but now it's getting to the point where I want to move on and find someone new. But they're making it hard, of course. Let's start with the contradiction. The contradiction is between beliefs and actions, but it runs deeper than that. The physical doesn't match the mental-at all. Problematic. And, somewhere in there I became unhappy during the moment I was supposed to be at the pinnacle of love. I got refused. Huh? But now I realize I was too hasty in this. That's how this situation came to be. My own hastiness. I can feel the laughter of being had. I also feel myself glaring back at it. Now, onto the traveler. It's interesting to say the least. Comes and goes, tries to stay relevant, but can't due to the time and space created for other pursuits that should be the priority instead of how I've been every opportunity you speak to me..........but the reason for this hookup was purely physical. Every moment was created to make me think of the many possibilities this could go..........but the mental part concerns me. Now, people will always seem to be more than the rumors, but I heard something I wished I never heard. Blatant flamboyancy? Instant turn-off. 


I'll say this though. I know EXACTLY what I'm looking for now that experience has taken over as the teacher. You have to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and intuitively. You have to love yourself before you can love me. You must devote your time and energy to try and appreciate what I have. You won't worry about me not doing the same. Just help me understand what it will take and a new goal will be created. Go ahead, put up Mount Everest lol. I'll grab an oxygen mask, some munchies and be on my way up. XD 

Music Stop

  Ok here's some music (albums and songs) I'm currently listening to and vibing off of =)

 

 

                       

1. The ArchAndroid - Janelle Monáe Ok first of all....I love Janelle Monáe! From start to finish, I thoroughly enjoy her musical insight and seemingly ingenious melodies. This is definitely one of those play from Track 1 to Track 17 CDs! lol. But all jokes aside, Diddy may be onto something...like the antidote of the Diddy curse. But only time will tell. The first 7 tracks or so give an easy listening session into the world of Metropolis where dreams need to be followed and lovers are within your reach. The other 11 songs tap deep into musical emotion not soon to be forgotten. Don't forget to express yourself and dance your ass off. Janelle loves the music she's created and so have I =)

2. B.o.B-B.o.B Presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray Bobby Ray, a cool guy from Atlanta creates a pretty darn good rap album in a medium where rap is questioned. But one thing is clear-Bobby Ray solidifies himself as what's next. Like a second coming, him and a whole bunch of talented, No Souljah Boy bullshit rappers are starting to step up and show us what rap is all about. And I welcome them. The fight for anarchy will be a hard one, but B.o.B's lifelong mileage seems to be on par with what the game's been missing. 

3. Sade-Soldier of Love Speaking of resurgence of a certain genre, the entity known as Sade emerges with her timeless balladry to once again grace our hearts and make us think about the pleasures and difficulties of life. Redefining soul with her powerful medium and longtime enduring band, she simply cannot go unmissed, overlooked or tossed aside. She proves that productivity simply cannot define a career of lifelong music.

4. Erykah Badu-New Amerykah Part Two: Return of the Ankh She returns like an old griot climbing up a waterfall by herself. Ok that was bad. She redefines soul as only she can in a mission to eradicate "Groupthink". And she only needs the bare essentials as she strips down to perfection to portray her message. And with no regrets, she takes her music and exemplifies her model of womanhood and melodies sent from above. Seemingly heading up the definition soul, old fans and new ones alike should like her new work.

5. Alicia Keys-Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready) I really can't even stress enough how much I love this song! It's just one of those songs that you can listen to repeatedly and just be in tune with! And the video Alicia has paired with this song really shows the message that love knows no bounds-at all-point blank period. The Element of Freedom overall shows Alicia's natural ability to capture internal strength within the notes of a piano and portray her version of love and hope for the future.

6. La Roux-Bulletproof Ah, the British wave of electropop music has crossed over onto my television where I first saw this video lol onto my iPod! I love La Roux-she gives me life in a whole new way that my brain couldn't even fathom lol =) I guess that's what happens when you let yourself become open to different types of music! Bulletproof is my official walking song. Whenever I'm walking, this song is playing non-stop. True talk. So take a listen and let her tell you not to be swayed by futile emotions. 

Ok! That about does it for now. Take a listen to some of this music. Feed your brain. These have been approved by Ron. =)